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It was difficult when I could power through the pain and I thought it was just stress or working too much. Now when i know it’s something more and movement and activities are limited, I don’t know how to go about it at all. When do you mention the chronic illness? I feel like most people won’t want the hassle.
@A MySpondylitisTeam Member. There is more than one way to become a parent Sarita, and the other ways do not involve a biological clock. I know, however, that is easier said than done. There was a point in my life that all I thought about was how to conceive and whether or not we were successful from month to month so I do know that urge. My own mother used to say to me, when I was much younger, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it". There is no way to see into the future. I can honestly say that in my own experience, looking back on my younger dreams (I am 61 this year), I learned about 30 years ago that the fantasy is always better than the reality. The only instance in my own life that I can honestly say that the reality turned out better than the fantasy is regarding the man I married who has turned out far better than the fantasy. I can no longer love him physically the way he deserves to be loved. I have a tremendous internal sense of guilt over that even though he never asks for it and is unwavering by my side no matter my condition. But parenting...nothing in your life will ever come close in difficulty, and heartbreak. Children bring a depth and level of pain that no physical condition, not all the physical conditions combined, can come close to in agony. It is far better to be greatful for what you have, find happiness in the moments as you live them, and let the future take care of itself. If you can manage that, you'll be more content than most. Yours in better health P 😌 🙏
@A MySpondylitisTeam Member also, is it crazy for me to want to have a child in this condition. Knowing I could possibly be sick for the child’s life and am not financially independent so I could get stuck with an abusive partner. But the biological clock is not working in my favor. It’s now or never.
@A MySpondylitisTeam Member I appreciate your very honest answer. In addition to the health challenges, I have trauma in the past that affects romantic relationships. I have the option of a semi arranged marriage. Being from an Indian background this is very common. But being US born and raised I never considered it but there’s something about it now that sounds like a practical choice. Marrying for companionship, duty, obligation between two families. Not the fairytale I had in mind when I was younger. Dating showed me lots of love and romance and also hellish trauma with it. It’s no secret people really want to come to the US for opportunity and changing their family’s lives. My family is filled with immigrants. My parents were married for approximately 55 years. There were definitely parts of their relationship I wouldn’t want, but there’s the part that she was a housewife, sick for most of her life. He provided and stuck with her till the end even though he himself is very healthy even at 80 now and could’ve left for greener pastures. She was a very hardworking woman and raised 6 kids but she was sick for most of her life. She was a fighter. I feel like it’s hard to be a fighter when there isn’t much to fight for. It feels hard for a very feminist independent person like myself to admit that it would be nice to have someone to talk to, to put my head in someone’s lap, someone to pick up my meds, ask if I’ve eaten. There is disagreement in my family about whether to say I’m “sick” when they arranged a match for me. I wanna be completely honest. Whereas they feel it’s okay to not be so brutally honest before marriage. Especially because technically I don’t have any diagnosis. But I hate dishonesty and don’t want to trap anyone. There is always the worry that someone will use me just to get to the US but I’ve had worse things happen while dating for love. All that to say, I can’t figure out if I’ve matured due to recent deaths in the family, nearing middle age, and accepting my limitations or am I in a way giving up or settling in defeat of these things.
@A MySpondylitisTeam Member. With candid unfiltered honesty. Life is too short for misleading fantasy. My edit is after a conversation I had with my husband about this. I am the one with the broken body and he is in perfect health. These are his words for you to consider:
"It is the person within. If you tell the potential suitor that you fight a condition, how you fight it, what helps you, what makes the fight nearly impossible, then they decide from the outset if they are willing to stand beside you and hold you up when you cannot stand on your own. To know this from the beginning is important. It saves you both from disappointment and stressful heartbreak down the road if they can't go the distance with you."
The hard reality we have faced in our relationship these past few years is the complete loss of sexual intimacy. Think about it for a moment. Im trying not to be x rated here, just candid and truthful. My labia is affected by inverse genital psoriasis that causes deep tears that need to be tended to multiple times a day for weeks if we try intercourse there. I've tried all the therapies and remedies out there to no avail. Sexuality "at the opposite end" is impossible because my cervical spine cannot bend the way it needs to and my jaw cannot open wide enough due to all the disc and facet joint damage. And my hands are too arthritic for a firm grip. This is the reality of aging with someone you love deeply but cannot physically express it no matter how much you desire to.
Most humans desire a partner to grow old with. The trick is to find someone who is content to just have a hand to hold on a short walk. That and my laying my head in his lap so that he can stroke my hair to help me fall asleep comfortably and peacefully is the extent of our physical relations. This breaks my heart for my husband every day. No matter what he says, I have a level of guilty feeling for that despite knowing I probably fight harder than most of the people here to preserve my vitality. My fight is why he stays with me. If I just throw my hands up in the air, claim it is impossible to deal with toxins and past assaults, birth defects and other circumstances out of my control that I have the issues I have, then down a pint of ice cream every night, I dont think he'd still be with me. It is the fighter within that my partner admires and sticks with.
I hope these insights help you decide how to pursue a relationship. Yours in better health P 😌 🙏
Dating with spondylitis is genuinely challenging, and those feelings of uncertainty are completely valid. The good news is that the right person won't see you as a "hassle" — they'll see *you*. That said, navigating when and how to share is a real skill worth thinking through.
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